Why didn't I meditate?

What made meditation so difficult for me

For many years my mother recommended that I meditate. I was able to witness how the more she practiced meditation, she was becoming someone calmer and was able to deal better with difficulties. I realize now that she was becoming more grounded in herself.  When we argued, and we had strong arguments at that time, I felt like she listened to me more.

Then my therapist recommended I meditate. I knew she was right, but I told myself I didn't know how to start. My therapist still helped me go further and when I went to my sessions with her, she would put me to meditate. A part of me was upset with her, I told myself, but if I can do that at home, in the session I want to talk about myself. But another part of me felt the benefit.

Then something happened that changed my life, my family and I emigrated far away. I felt rootless, even though my mother accompanied me every morning when I called her. I knew I had to do something. I took a small online course on mindfulness from which I got a fundamental idea: to meditate regularly you have to incorporate it into my daily routine.

I decided to wake up every morning shortly before the rest of my family and with the guidance of a video that someone generously uploaded to YouTube, I began to meditate. I think I followed that routine for a year.

The guide in the video was very simple, but it was powerful for me, telling me to focus on my breathing and to observe my thoughts, without judging them, and let them go. She reminded me to return to my breathing if I caught myself following a thought, repeating not to judge it and to just let it go. Little by little I learned that thoughts will arise, that's just what the mind does and that's okay, but I don't need to hold on to them. I learned to let them go.

With time and perseverance I understood that my resistance to meditating was because I was judging my thoughts all the time, and therefore my self, and not in a kind way.

Of course I didn't want to meditate!

This simple video of less than 15 minutes helped me start a practice that changed my life quality.

Through meditating everyday regularly, today I realize that my thoughts are just that, thoughts, ideas, and even better I learn to stop the judgment towards myself, to let it go when it arises. Every day I have more ability to observe myself even when not meditating, but I am also developing the ability to connect with the people with whom I interact. Meditation has opened two doors for me that have radically improved my life: consciousness and compassion.

I know I am only a beginner, but am able to recognize that through practicing meditation constantly my capacity to live in the present moment increases. I have also learned to have compassion towards myself, and therefore towards other beings.

I still have a lot of growing to do, that I'm just getting started, but I feel that this is precisely my purpose in life, to be the best version of myself that I can every day.